[MUSIC...]
When I'm having sex with a partner it's really different than when I'm having sex with a date.
When I'm having sex with a partner it's similar to when anyone from any other profession has sex with their partner.
But when I'm doing it for work, there's a different connotation there, and that's work.
As a sex worker, you need to know as my partner that sometimes my work conditions aren't amazing,
you know, sometimes I'm working in places that are illegal, or not set up properly, or you know
in some kind of situation that is , you know, doing my head in,
and when I come home and I winge to you about it, I need you to be supportive.
And like, if I was coming home and winging because a child care centre wasn't being run properly,
you would understand that there is a social justice element in me wanting to change that,
and the same is about sex work.
Don't tell me to stop working, don't tell me that's the way it is because I'm a hooker.
I'm trying to change things and I need you to just point blank support that.
I just want you to know that even though in my profession, my job, that I am creating these intimate moments with clients,
that that would never ever replace any type of intimate moment or intimate connection with you.
You need to understand that at work I'm empowered and not a victim of the patriarchy or perpetuating patriarchal ideals.
It's not ok for you to tell other people that I'm a sex worker just to shock them or because it's cool, or to get activist credit or for any reason.
I'm the one who should tell people what I do for a living.
I really appreciate when I come home from a call and you ask me how it was and how I'm feeling,
and I really appreciate when you don't judge and help with some of the rituals and the things I need
to take my skin back and to feel away from the call and from work.
I'm often participating in sex worker only space, and we set up that space as sex workers as a safe space,
and I want you to not feel as though you have right to access that space purely because you're close to me.
You need to recognize the many reasons why sex workers, and I, have the need for those spaces
and recognize also that being close to me, as a sex worker, doesn't give you that entitlement.
My real name versus my work name are different and they're separate for a reason.
So to not confuse work names and real names, you know, even if it's playful.
Everybody's limits around that are gonna be different, but you know for me it's a hard line.
Fucking men for money doesn't make me less queer.
Thank you for understanding that if I don't answer that phone when it rings, people don't call back.
So I need to take calls when they come in, and I know that that can really put a damper on our life,
to be in the middle of things and all of a sudden the phone rings and all of a sudden I'm in my other persona,
and thank you very much for putting up with it.
What I want the partners of sex workers to know, if their partner is seeing, um you know, clients with HIV, is that
quite often your partner has gone through a lot of work to, you know, be ok, and to hone their practice to be safe.
Um, you need to trust your partner,
and you also need to be I think honest about your concerns
because quite often a sex worker who does see people with HIV has really worked through a lot of those issues
and overcome a lot of the messages that, you know, we are sent constantly, you know, by the community.
So, overcoming those sex work-negative messages in ourselves has taken a lot of work,
so it's going to take a lot of work for somebody who hasn't had to ask themselves those questions.
It's a journey that we've gone through, um, and, you know, you may not have been there for that journey,
but, you know, we'd like to tell you about it, and we'd like you to be ok with it.
If you wanted me to continue to work, you had to be honest with me about if you can handle that or not.
Don't make me demonize my clients just to pander to your insecurities.
Um, I know that it can sometimes be hard for you to deal with the idea of me sleeping with somebody else,
but I am not going to lie about what a good time I had a work just to make you feel better.
A lot of time I go to work and I have incredible sexual experiences and I see clients where we have the most amazing connection.
Actually a lot of the time the sex that I have with clients is different than the sex than I have with you only because you're different people,
not because they pay me for it.
I wanna support you and I want to help you be ok,
but I can't do that if it means that I have to lie about how much I enjoy my job.
I really appreciate the fact that you've never asked me to stop working.
I don't think you really understand what my work means to me, but um, you do realize that it's something very important to me,
and so I appreciate that about you and about our relationship.
I want you to know no matter how many times I say yes to an appointment, yes to my clients, or
yes to certain sex acts with my clients,
I still have the right to say no to you.
I understand that when you are dating someone who has mental illness issues and is a sex worker,
it's really easy to get concerned with them about sex work.
That is, what's often, it's often thought that sex workers are degraded, are fucked up by the work they do,
and sometimes I know it seems like I do work in ways that are destructive to me,
and when I have a mental illness it's easy to want to protect me around that stuff,
but I want you to trust that I know what I'm doing and that ways that I'm doing work that might seem like self harm to you,
are things that I've thought out and are actually harm reduction to me.
Let me cry when work is tough
and let me rant when I wanna have conversations with clients and it turns out that they are super oppressive and racist,
and I have to come home to you to have those conversations.
We are all raised with a lot of internalized whorephobia about sex workers,
and from a very young age we're fed a lot of concepts about sex workers that are very violent and also very misrepresenting.
If you're lucky enough to be dating a sex worker,
you need to understand that being close to a sex worker isn't gonna be enough for you to undo those ideas.
You actively have to seek out resources and books and information and other support
for you to start undoing the socialized ideas you have about sex workers in your mind
because it's not going to happen without you actively doing that work.
If you're close to a sex worker, then doing that work is your responsibility.
I need you to know that even though you know my history and you know that part of my identity is being a survivor of sexual abuse,
and another part of my identity is being a sex worker,
that the two aren't related and there is no cause between them in my mind,
and that it's actually not your place to make that link or ever bring it up as a way of discrediting my choice of profession.
They're two totally different parts of my identity to me, and I need you to respect that.
I want you to know that I chose you,
and that the intimacy and love that we share makes everything else that I do possible.
You didn't understand that it was work, and that it wasn't really about me looking for something that you couldn't give me.
It was just about me trying to pay my rent and trying to make my own way.
I wish that you could've just taken some time to talk to me about it.
I want you to know that it's ok to not be shiny happy with me being a sex worker all of the time,
because loving a sex worker can be really hard.
Especially, you know, if you've never even known a sex worker before.
But that the important thing is to communicate how you're feeling and not to bottle it up.
So, it's ok if you're feeling a bit insecure or a bit sad or if you wanna ask questions,
but it's not ok to lash out at me and to tell me to stop working or that what I'm doing is wrong.
Sex work is work.
I previously thought that being in this line of work that I would be undateable, um,
and that it would be hard to find anyone who understands and still loves, knowing that I do sex work.
So I want to say thank you to my lover who is also an escort and a sex worker too.
[MUSIC...]